Kicking and screaming
I was dragged into this world;
naked, toothless and bald.
And when this shadow world
drags me, kicking and screaming,
through the carnival of life…
I contemplate in the mirror
the fruits and profits of a life:
the naked smile
the balding mind
the raw nerve of a true heart.
When the times bring you to that place where you feel unworthy of love and divine grace, think about the love parents have experienced for their child.
When immersed in remorse for past deeds, or when feeling weakened by the chains of habit in the sleeping state, think about the love present when you see a child you love. You do not love him for his strength, his power, or his abilities. You love him for the essence in him. If he is sleeping, you love him the same as when he is awake.
So is the light of your heart; worthy of love divine even when you are trapped in the sleeping state.
The mother sings to the child, though in his sleep the child knows it not, and his small breath is enough for the mother to feel all her loving care rewarded. That divine breath in you, makes your heart love, and that love comes from the infinite in you, and that awakens the love of the supreme consciousness witnessing your heart of hearts.
In the source of that love, no merit or deed is needed to justify it. Its existence is its reason to be loved.
The being who says “I am”, implied in every sentence, the being that observes, that hears, that sees color and light, sits in the shadows between the worlds.
If I look within the source of attention, trying to find the I Am, the I Am retreats even further. When I think I’ve grappled it, when I think I have surrounded the I Am in a web craftily and carefully constructed with meaning and concerns, when I say “Ah! Here I Am!,” the I Am becomes smaller, more remote, more in shadow.
I look for the I Am, realizing that the one who searches is also the I Am, forever retreating yet always at the center of the experience.
One day this bubble of existence will burst into a million pieces, sending fire and light, and spread it all through creation.
Or maybe it will dissolve into the liquid nothingness of the solar waters that flow from that sunset that’s been waiting to come for all eternity.
It will then be so that every experience I ever had, every word I ever said, every pain I ever caused, and every hope I ever gave will turn to be just the vibrant resonance, just the booming ocean, just the happy dance, and dissolve in that ocean of experience and move amongst your shadows as meaningless signs and sights.
May I never live through that!
May the memory of me fade away in time.
May my soul not be important.
May my life not be object of remembrance below or above.
May I not be significant.
May my shadows be forgot and go their way, where the shadows go and the light of Her eyes shine brightly.
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When we engage with a philosophical inquiry, What is that which wants to know? Is it not the mind? Who asks the question? Who is asking this question? Is there an expectation for an answer when this question is asked? What would satisfy this question?
The mind who is thinking creates the I who thinks. I think.
This I who says “I think” wants to be a real entity. A real thing. But the I who says “I think”, “I want to know”, “I wonder”, “I want”, is the result of thought. “I am Mexican”, “I am Peruvian”, “I am Argentinian”, “I am American”, “I am White”, “I am Black”, “I am male, female”. This I who speaks, this I who asks questions, the I who wants to know, is that I not the result of thought? Is that I not the one that keeps talking and asking?
The mind is aware of itself. And the mind continues to negotiate its existence. It wants validation from others. It wants confirmation of its own existence. It creates anything to feel that it exists. It creates depression. It creates confusion. It creates anger. Just to prove that it exists. But it is the product of thought. And this mind which creates thought, which creates ego, wants to argue. It wants to prove itself. It wants to be heard. It wants to be validated. It wants to ask questions. It wants to understand the answers. But is this ego, this I, not the result of thought? Does it exist beyond thought? Does it exist without thoughts?
These teachings are not concerned with the development of your personality. They are not designed to make you more popular or more likeable. They are not designed to make you richer, to give you better relations. They are not designed to boost your self esteem, to give you a better memory, to be calmer, happier, or more successful. They are designed to benefit the essence so that the essence can be transformed into a soul.
It will be transformed into a soul the way a worm goes into a chrysalis and is transformed into a butterfly.
Most people do not concern themselves with growing a soul, because every institution has told them that they already got one. Therefore, they do not make any efforts to grow one. Once they do, they nourish the seed dormant in every body, the seed that descended as pure awareness from the vastness of sentience of the dreamer of the universe.
These teachings, then, are not for the personality. They are meant to show the essence how to allow the personality to break apart, decompose, and absorb it as the seed absorbs the fruit that holds it.
(Click here to preorder my book, Teachings of a Toltec Survivor)
When you were born, the Tonal was there only as potential. It was surrounding you, nurturing you. You knew the Tonal only as an all-encompassing feeling. You did not distinguish between one feature of it and another. You did not say, “This is my mother, and this is a crib.” It was all the same. It was feeding you; it was carrying you into sleep, protecting your form. That’s all you knew.
As time went by, your assemblage point was fixed, and the world became what it is now, and you were able to name and distinguish things. So you looked at your mother and said, “Mama,” and you looked at your father and said, “Not the mama.” And you looked at your toys and said, “Mine.” And then you looked at your neighbor’s toys and said, “Mine.” And then someone beat you up—usually your neighbor’s kid when you took his toys—and you learned to share, out of the goodness of your heart.
From my upcoming book: The Teachings of a Toltec Survivor
This being inside whom you are living has accumulated desires, experiences, maps, notions, ideas, and behaviors. You wear this being like a space suit that carries you through organic life. If you identify with it, it would carry you with it. If it chooses to allow you in, then you can direct it. It can surrender those accidental whims and desires, surrender all of that to your influence. Then it benefits from you and you can exercise your Will. You become able to do.
It becomes able to be. You, as an essence already know how to be. You cannot cease to be. Not without help, anyway. You know how to be; you can’t avoid it.
At the death of this being, you continue to be. But you cannot do. In order to do you must have a body.
You are inside this animal who is afraid of you, who is afraid of itself, afraid of being eaten, afraid of being an animal, but that’s what it is.
Don’t domesticate it; make a pact with it. Give your Higher Will to it. Allow it to do for you, with you. Your only chance of working in this realm, in this sphere, is through a body like this one whose life you are living right now.
To read more on my upcoming book, click here.
This lifetime you have been experiencing has been a simulation. You can take your body, feelings, emotions, and personal history, as a hologram that still needs to be created and transformed.
How do you come to see this?
By seeing yourself, every moment, as an eternal being projected into a shifting and every changing dream. Train your perception by constantly seeing your experience as a dream.
Where is this dream coming from? It comes from where every dream comes. It is a projection from the same source where your sense of self is created. See the world around you? That is a dream. At the center of this dream, find your own center of attention, always engaged with the dream. That which carries this attention, you call your self.
You are a vehicle for your attention. Your vehicle is also part of the dream.
Your life and the self that is experiencing your lifetime are projections from a hidden, vast, and unknowable source. It dreams all dreams, and dreams itself over and over as the self of every sentient being.
How can you trigger the transformation of the hologram? How do you make this dream evolve into a transformational experience?
Go beyond seeing your experience as a dream, and see all sentient beings as the avatars of the same infinite unknown behind your own sentience.
Be a friend of He who is behind all sentient beings and who is inside each instant.
Read more in my soon to be released Teachings of a Toltec Survivor
If you destroy my body right now, it would be an inconvenience, but that’s it. I am not here. My consciousness, my sense of self, is somewhere outside this Tonal. I project myself from someplace else, and I move my hands and speak and allow something to come forth from a remote distance. This body receives impressions and I sense them; and sometimes, when the connection is turned off, what remains is a human body with a personality, with the same concerns and fears as anyone else’s; with a little more information, training, and abilities that I wouldn’t have otherwise; but nothing beyond this realm.
Just like with a video game, the player is outside the game and moving that character about. I am not in the service of the person you see. This body of mine is being created, maintained, and directed in the service of something else, something that to this realm is like the player is to the computer. And I can be here or I can move away. I am the screen upon which the story of the works is projected.
Koyote was a name given at some point, and then it became active, and it began to eat my heart and penetrate every nervous fiber on my body, like a root canal. It was that painful, an it burrowed into every nerve and gland until it ate the body all up. Now, my essence looks like my vehicle.
